surviving the holidays

I am not a big fan of Christmas. It's not just that I'm not a Christian, it's all the baggage that comes with it.

For as long as I can remember, the whole family get-together thing has been fraught with stress, and featured tears before bedtime for someone, usually me. As the only child, and even only grandchild for many years, I was both the focus of attention and the rope in the annual tug of war between in-laws that had little in common and no incentive to find any such thing. Apart from me.

Spoiled? Yes, at least showered with gifts, some of them actually quite nice. No complaints there, provided there were plenty of books. Overfed, too. My female parent would on the one hand offer endless goodies and on the other accuse me of gluttony and ask when I was going to lose weight. Something wrong with this picture? D'oh. Then there were the grandmothers. They agreed that I didn't attend church enough, although they differed as to which one. Both Protestant. Music was ok but discourse was so laced with hypocrisy I gave up church even before I had read the Bible and realized what a dreadful tome it is. People who take it literally simply cannot have read it. But, I digress.

Nobody in our family would dream of inflicting physical abuse, apart from the occasional well-deserved swat on the seat of the pants. They just went in for sarcastic comments and galloping perfectionism, focused inevitably on me. It was required to "view" the presents given by & to each family member, whether to foster envy or disgust was never clear to me. Failure to effuse sufficiently was punishable by solicitous enquiries as to the state of ones health. Throwing up wasn't an option, even if overfed. In a nutshell, everyone disliked each other and competed over the child, since Christmas is for children, right? Spare me.

So, although I learned to cook all the festive dishes, and now do so for my entire ageing family (thank goodness I produced no offspring myself), and although I learned a huge repertoire of carols so I could be the pianist for the obligatory sing-along, I really don't care for the season.

Next year, I'm doing something entirely different. They can have their Christmas at a restaurant.